You never listen to me!
“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!”
Have you ever said that to your kid?
Or, has your kid ever said it to you?
I've got an 8-year-old so I can relate to both.
Kids not listening is the thing parents come to me about the most.
It hurts because it feels like they don’t care.
And I’m gonna be real with you for a moment…
Kids care a whole lot about their parents. But they don’t really care about our reminders or requests.
Although that can feel very personal, and it’s understandably frustrating, it doesn’t have anything to do with how much they care about us.
My son actually explained it perfectly to me the other day. He said...
“Kids have a harder time listening because they live more in the moment than moms and dads do.”
Ouch?! And, he’s so right.
The thing I want him to listen to me about, never has to do with relishing in the moment.
It’s always because I’m thinking about what needs to happen next, or what the future consequences are for what he’s doing or saying or not doing or not saying in the moment.
And now, as an adult, I’m working very hard to help myself get more present. To get out of my head and live more in the moment.
Anyone else with me on that?
This is not to say that either of us is right or wrong. In fact, there’s something about the ongoing lessons that come from the ebb and flow of learning to live in the moment AND be more intentional about or in consideration of the future implications of our present moment, that is the journey of life.
Don’t worry, I’m not here to convince us all to go on a silent meditation retreat, or that you should just let it slide when your kids don’t listen.
No. I am not one to just deal with unpleasant circumstances. I always want to see how we can make it work better, for everyone. For you. For your kid(s). For your family.
In this situation, when kids don’t stop what they’re doing to listen to us, it's usually because what we’re saying to them means something to us but not to them.
We have a reason for asking them to get off their device, for example. But, they may not share the same intention or rationale.
They have no reference point for what we’re saying. It's just not attention-grabbing for them. Which unfortunately, is why they usually snap to attention when we yell. I know that's not the strategy you want to use, and it's not what they want either.
Luckily, there is something you can do to figure out what to say and how to say it to get your kid’s genuine attention and cooperation without yelling.
And it doesn’t involve memorizing a script, or sounding like someone other than yourself.
Here's a clip from my webinar, Connecting through Conflict, where I talk about one reason your kids don't listen to you, and what you can do about it.
Your kids will pay attention to what you say when you use shared language, or you speak in a way that is meaningful to you both.
You identify shared language when you sit down and work together through your conflict or tension or frustration.
When you find a solution and create a plan that isn’t just a justified case but is a mutually satisfying agreement, you come to a new understanding of each other and a way of navigating through similar challenges in the future that takes each of you into consideration.
I don’t know what that is for you, and you probably don’t either at this moment.
It usually takes a conversation with each other where you can each share your perspective.
As you know, this can be difficult because inevitably someone gets frustrated or angry or [insert “negative” emotion] and we’re right back into our usual conflict loop.
What does this look like for you?
For the conflict that’s coming to your mind as you think about your role as a parent, grandparent, caregiver, or family professional who works with parents and kids?
I created this free webinar so you could have a different way to navigate conflict that helps you both listen and share your perspectives, in a way that leads you to a real solution that feels meaningful and attention-grabbing, to you both.
Bonus! The process I walk you through also helps your kid develop skills in considering the present and future impact of their actions or choices, along with six additional areas of social-emotional development.
Add your name and email below, and I'll get that webinar sent over to you.
This webinar is ideal for parents and caregivers with kids, five years and older.
If you have littles (or work with them), I'd recommend getting the webinar and then setting up a free consultation with me to get a tip on adapting the process based on your kiddo's development.
Cheers to a future with more listening and less yelling,
Dr. Heather Cline
