Perception is primary.

No, I don’t mean you should obsess over how you’re perceived on social media.

What I mean is that conflict happens when we see things differently. 

Unfortunately, a lot of parenting and relationship advice focuses on what to say or do differently. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes all you need is a new phrase to communicate your expectations. But more often, it’s about perspective, or the needs, beliefs, and desires that shape how you perceive a situation and interaction.

If you only focus on the action, the perspective remains, and so does the disconnect. 

Maybe you get your kid out the door, but you're both frustrated. 

Maybe you get your staff to comply, but resentment brews. 

Keep reading for more on how I approach challenges differently, but you might guess I put your perspective first. 

The problem is not the problem. 

Yes, the challenge in front of you is real. But there’s often more to the story. Our words and actions are driven by a desire, need, or habit. If we only try to stop the problem in front of us it becomes a game of Whack-A-Mole, and while that’s fun to play at the county fair, it’s not a fun way to parent.

That’s why I use the Hourglass Method. Because it's a simple framework that helps us get under the surface words, actions, or reactions. It helps us gain clarity about what’s really going on and where we’re all coming from. We can figure out a new way forward that attends to the surface concern and the underlying need. This cultivates connection.

If this feels like something you could really use right about now, let’s talk.

Or, if you want a tool to help you problem solve with your kiddo(s), download the Kid-Friendly Problem-Solving Chart.

Wisdom can’t be told. 

The Hourglass Method of problem-solving is part of a broader, evidence-based curriculum, Reflective Dialogue Parent Education Design (RDPED). RDPED was developed at the University of Minnesota, where I studied and taught for many years. Today, I manage RDPED and prepare parenting educators and coaches to use this approach in their own work with parents, kiddos, and colleagues. 

The central philosophy of this curriculum and all of my work is the understanding that people learn and change when they’re ready, and in a way that makes sense for them. This goes for our kiddos too. 

“We cannot effectively use the insight and knowledge of others; it must be our own knowledge and insight that we use.” – Gragg, 1940

Rather than offering prescriptive advice from my perspective, I employ an empathic approach that empowers you to discover your unique solutions. 

The Hourglass Problem Solving tool helps you do the same with your children or others in your life. 

Here’s what one mom shared with me after using the Hourglass Method with her pre-teen:

“This is HUGELY applicable to everyday life and can be practiced daily with different interactions. I used it with my daughter in the car yesterday after she got in and broke down and said she had a bad day. By the time we got home she was feeling better and had a plan on how she could have a courageous conversation of her own. I sat on my hands (mentally) while she walked her way through the process and I just asked questions. :)”

If you're looking for a practical tool to problem-solve in a way that helps you kids build their own wisdom, download the Kid-Friendly Problem-Solving Chart.

Or, if you're ready to discover your own fresh perspective and effective solutions, reach out for a free consultation.