Parenting Under Stress and Fear: Is it Even Possible To Parent Well?
Imagine this:
A father stands in the chaos of an airport, holding the tiny hand of his toddler. His mind races with fearful thoughts.
What if she runs off? What if she gets lost? What if she gets hurt?
The stress is overwhelming, and it’s starting to show in his parenting. He’s short with his daughter, raising his voice and snapping commands.
But deep down, he doesn’t want to parent like this. He wants to be calm, understanding, and connected with his child, even when life gets stressful. Like so many of us, he wants to raise his daughter with respect, without losing his temper—but in that moment, fear takes over.
This father’s story might feel familiar. Whether it’s the airport, a crowded grocery store, or an unexpected tantrum, stressful moments often bring out the version of ourselves we don’t like. And while it’s easy to feel ashamed or discouraged, I want to start with an important truth: this is completely normal.
Why We Struggle to Parent Under Stress
Parenting under stress is one of the hardest things to do. When fear for your child’s safety kicks in or the pressures of life pile up, your body shifts into a stress response. This state—sometimes called “fight, flight, or freeze”—is designed to protect us in emergencies. It’s great for split-second survival decisions, but it’s terrible for the kind of calm, empathetic, and creative problem-solving that we want to use as parents.
In this state, it’s normal to react defensively: yelling, punishing, or shutting down. This doesn’t make you a bad parent—it makes you human. But just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s inevitable. With the right kind of experiences, it’s possible to shift from reacting to responding.
The Turning Point: A Moment of Reflection
Let’s go back to the father at the airport—whose story is very real by the way. As his stress mounted, something incredible happened. A scene from a parenting class he attended popped into his mind—a short video of another parent in a similar moment of fear and reactivity. The video showed not only what reactive parenting looks and feels like but also offered a powerful contrast: a way of navigating stressful situations while staying connected to your child.
The memory of that video stopped him in his tracks. He realized he wasn’t being the parent he wanted to be, and in that moment, he shifted. Instead of barking commands, he calmed himself with a few deep breaths and then connected with his daughter so they could navigate the airport together.
His fears didn’t disappear—he still needed to keep his daughter safe in a busy airport—but now he was addressing those fears in a way that respected both his child and the kind of parent he wanted to be.
How Did He Do It?
What made this father’s transformation possible wasn’t new knowledge or skill. It was the result of a unique learning experience called Reflective Dialogue Parent Education. This approach isn’t about telling parents what to do or flooding them with information. Instead, it helps parents connect deeply with their own values, goals, and instincts.
In the father’s case, the video clip he watched didn’t give him a checklist of instructions. Instead, it prompted him to reflect, to think critically about his own reactions, and to imagine a different way of responding. Through a series of guided questions and discussions in his parenting class, he practiced this kind of self-awareness in a safe, supportive environment.
When the airport moment came, he didn’t need to remember a long list of “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts.” Instead, he had an embodied memory—a vivid visual and emotional cue—that bypassed his stress response and helped him reconnect with the kind of parent he wanted to be.
The Power of Reflective Dialogue
What’s so powerful about Reflective Dialogue is that it’s designed for exactly these messy, high-pressure parenting moments. Traditional learning often stays in the head—facts about child development or tips on managing behavior. While that knowledge is helpful, it doesn’t always translate to the heat of the moment.
Reflective Dialogue works differently. By engaging your emotions, your lived experiences, and your values, it helps you integrate what you’ve learned on a deeper level. This kind of learning isn’t just about what you know—it’s about who you want to be as a parent.
Building Confidence for the Future
The father’s experience at the airport was a turning point, but it was also just the beginning. Every time he uses these skills in a stressful moment, he’s building confidence in his ability to stay calm and connected, even under pressure. This doesn’t mean he’ll never struggle again—parenting is full of challenges—but now he has a process to help him navigate those moments with grace and intention.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re failing as a parent when stress takes over, I want you to hear this: you’re not alone, and you’re not stuck. With the right support and strategies, you can learn to parent in a way that feels true to who you are, even in life’s hardest moments.
What Does this Mean for You?
At this point, you might find yourself asking one of two questions:
For Parents: "If Reflective Dialogue is how I can change my parenting, how do I access it? And what can I do on my own if I don’t have access?"
For Professionals: "Is Reflective Dialogue really the only way to create this kind of shift for parents? If not, what can I do differently in my work with families?"
Let’s explore these questions together.
For Parents
While Reflective Dialogue offers a powerful framework for change, it’s not the only way. Here are some steps you can take to reflect on your parenting, even on your own:
Pause and Reflect: Think back on a time when you were really stressed or afraid as a parent, and take a moment to notice your usual reactions. Ask yourself: What was that like for me and my child?
Explore your beliefs: Consider what fears, habits, or interpretations might be shaping your response. Reflect on whether these align with the parent you want to be.
Anchor to a visual: Connect these insights to powerful images or videos to help you realign with your parenting values during challenging moments. I recommend creating a contrasting set of visual anchors: one that represents the version of yourself you no longer wish to be, and another that embodies the kind of parent you aspire to be (the one you already are under calmer circumstances).
If you’d like a specific resource, I recommend watching the Disney short Far from the Tree. It offers a powerful contrast set of parenting from a place of fear vs connection. After watching, reflect on your own patterns and feelings. While this can be impactful, many parents find that working with a Reflective Dialogue facilitator takes these insights to a much deeper level.
If you’re interested in exploring Reflective Dialogue, I’d love to help you connect with a facilitator or group that fits your needs. You can fill out this contact form to get started.
For Professionals
Reflective Dialogue isn’t the only way to support parents, but it offers a unique, impactful method for creating sustained change. As professionals, we often provide tools, strategies, or advice to parents, but it’s equally important to create space for reflection and immersive learning experiences. Parents need opportunities to integrate what they’re learning in ways that align with their values and circumstances, and can be accessed even when dysregulated.
If you’re curious about integrating Reflective Dialogue into your work, let’s connect. You can use this contact form to start the conversation.
For a deeper dive, check out my recent conversation with Mary Schrader, a parent educator in Minnesota who’s successfully using this method in her practice (including more about the father who inspired this blog post).
